Navigating Grief and Loss as an Autistic Adult.

"The deaths I have experienced have mostly been at an arm’s length, due to family tensions, geographical separation, or a combination thereof.  Until recently, I’d only ever been to one viewing — a member of my stepmother’s family whom I barely knew.

As a result, I have no blueprint for the what to expect in the social situations that have come with an event like this.  I have been forced to guess my way through, at a time when my typical abilities are compromised by the emotional overload brought about by loss and grief. How well have I done? I honestly do not know.  I don’t know what standard I’m being held to, and by whom.  I have had to simply do my best, but I have been haunted by my struggle to know exactly what I need to do to be a good friend to someone who is no longer here to tell me what she expects".

Memoirs of a Griever.

"In writing this I have struggled to find a structure for the narrative to follow; grief has no structure, and it cannot be read. It is as C.S. Lewis cites in A Grief Observed:

“In grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?”

Henceforth, this piece will be structured by feeling. If it feels disorienting as you read, that’s because loss is disorienting. If it feels confusing, that’s because loss is confusing. If it feels uncomfortable, that’s because loss is uncomfortable. But, as I have found, and as I am finding on my best days, if I can sit with the disorientation, confusion, and discomfort of loss long enough, it can lead me to a greater appreciation of life and that the spiral C.S. Lewis describes can indeed bend towards the sun.

So let’s give it a red-hot go".

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason.

"I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time. 

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen. He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried". 

Advice: What to say – and not say – to a friend who is recently bereaved.

"WE’VE ALL BEEN in a situation where we wanted to say something supportive to a person who has recently been bereaved.

Many of us will have also avoided a bereaved person out of fear: Either not knowing what to say or worrying about putting our foot in it by saying the wrong thing.

There are many aspects of grief and bereavement that people feel uncomfortable with and shy away from. But we don’t have to run away from someone who has just lost a loved one – we’re actually quite good at coming up with the right words. And, sometimes, the worst thing to do is saying nothing at all".

Good Grief: Is there a better way to be bereaved?

"It has become a truism of the hospice movement that people resist death if they have something left they need to say. After the documentary, Kübler-Ross emerged from her anomie to revisit what she had written about grief. Realizing that the stage theory had grown into a restrictive prescription for grief, she collaborated with David Kessler, a hospice expert, to write “On Grief and Grieving.” Near the end of a chapter about her own grief—which arrived late in life, following the death of her ex-husband—she noted, “I now know that the purpose of my life is more than these stages. I have been married, had kids, then grandkids, written books, and traveled. I have loved and lost, and I am so much more than five stages. And so are you.”

The Heart and the Bottle: A Tender Illustrated Fable of What Happens When We Deny Our Difficult Emotions.

"Jeffers tells the story of a little girl, “much like any other,” whose expansive and exuberant curiosity her father fuels by reading to her all sorts of fascinating books about the sea and the stars and the wonders of our world. 

We witness the duo’s blissful explorations until, one day, we realize that the father is gone — the little girl finds herself facing the empty chair.

With exquisite subtlety and economy of words, Jeffers — whose mastery of the interplay between darkness and light extends as much to the paintbrush as it does to the psyche — silently uncorks the outpour of hollowing emotions engendered by loss".

The Error in ‘There’s Nothing More We Can Do’.

“ 'There’s nothing more we can do'.

These words are often spoken by a physician just before transitioning a patient to hospice and palliative care and are regrettably uttered only days, if not hours, before the person dies. These words leave no room for hope; they make a transition to comfort care a much-feared and often avoided final destination.

Yet here’s the reality: More can always be done. More important, patients know exactly the “more” that they want. The real question is: Why don’t we ask?"

Talking to young children about death Death. It’s a tough topic for grown-ups, let alone kids. How should we talk about it with them?

"Death. It’s a tough topic for grown-ups, let alone kids. When you become a parent, you expound upon every aspect of parenting with your family and friends until you’re blue in the face. How many long and drawn-out conversations have I had about breastfeeding, crying it out, and kindergarten curriculums?

But death? Hardly at all.

“I think our society in general does not want to talk about death and doesn’t want to deal with the messiness of grief,” said Emily Long, a licensed counselor and author of Sensitive Conversations: Talking with Kids About Death, Grief, and Violence . “So it is something that does get avoided a lot with kids — and in general.”

But kids, the most curious of creatures, won’t let you avoid it for long."

Read on about What to say - and not to say....

The Science of Resilience: Why Some Children Can Thrive Despite Adversity.

"When confronted with the fallout of childhood trauma, why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential? A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult".