On Talking About the Hard Things of Life @racheltoalson

“We are taught to believe that strength and perseverance and hope do not include brokenness. But that’s simply not true. Our brokenness, our sadness—they are the precursors to becoming strong and mighty. We step into our cracks and we kneel down and we pour our attention on them, and that is what becomes the superglue that puts us back together.

We do this alone and we do it together.

When we turn away and hide our sadness or our mess or the hard places in our lives, apologizing that we can’t get it together, what we’re doing is denying others the opportunity to step into our cracks with us. To come alongside us and say, Hey, you’re not alone. To take our broken pieces and and glue them back into place.

The opposite of turning away is turning toward. I know that sounds obvious. But what exactly is turning toward in a situation like this one?

It’s acknowledging our sadness, however deep it goes. It’s talking about our sorrow, however founded or unfounded it may be. It’s sharing our pain, our sickness, our burdens with one another and healing together—whether that together is with friends, family or people you just met who share your own pain or sickness or the kind of burdens you carry.

Maybe some won’t always take our brokenness the right way. Maybe sometimes they’ll call us names or shame us or make us feel like we’ve done the exact thing we should never have done. But the only way to survive the hard places is to open them to the light. The only way back to strength is to acknowledge how this thing has weakened us. The only way out is through the cracks.”

Treating troubled family dynamics reduces complicated grief

“Professor David Kissane, who heads the department of psychiatry at Monash University in Melbourne, has developed a family-focussed model of grief therapy to prevent complicated bereavement. A trial published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology earlier this year found the therapy reduced the severity of complicated grief in high-risk families and the development of prolonged grief disorder.

Professor Kissane says bereavement therapy for families is more effective than therapy for individuals when grief is being perpetuated by dysfunctional family relationships. He says the most common family configuration he sees is parents and their children, but for some families it includes a neighbour, grandparents or aunts and uncles.

‘Family centred care is based on the idea that families that grieve together stay together and they heal their grief very well,’ he tells Palliative Matters.”

How the United States Is Changing End of Life Care @attn

“As people live longer and medicine becomes more advanced, doctors have more ability than ever to hold off death. Yet many people put virtually no thought into whether they actually want their lives extended past a certain point — leading to a raft of unnecessary, unhelpful, and possibly unwanted medical procedures shortly before a person's death.”

Having tough end-of-life conversations — before it's too late

“ ‘Because by that time the patient is too sick to be able to have a voice in their own care, their family members have never had this discussion with the patient because no one guided them,’ said Periyakoil. ‘So as a result, they're sort of making these very high stakes decisions in the dark.  They, because they love the patient so much, are caught up in the deep, emotional trauma and it's very hard for them to be able to make decisions.’ 

If family members can’t speak on behalf of the patient, Periyakoil says aggressive, heroic measures will generally be used to prolong the patient’s life.

‘The system default is to do everything possible, every treatment possible, even though the treatment might be ineffective and the treatment may be something the patient doesn't want,’ said Periyakoil.”

When Patients Leave ‘Against Medical Advice’

"As physicians, we must explore our patients’ reasons for wanting to be discharged and have open and truthful conversations with them. We assume that keeping them in the hospital is always better for their health. But health encompasses the physical, mental and psychological.

In the end, my patient’s leaving was not about our therapeutic alliance. It was not about me at all. It was about her, the patient, as it should be."

Why Your Life Is Not A Journey

"If we thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played."

Source: Alan Watts & David Lindberg. Why Your Life Is Not A Journey

64 New Year’s Resolutions for Grievers

“One of my favorites was a beautiful comment from Jeannette Brown, a Buddhist, who explained that “rather than make resolutions for grief, every morning and every evening we pray (by chanting, our form of prayer) for the happiness or repose of all of the deceased. We believe that if we continue our growth and pursuit of happiness, our deceased family and friends will continue to become happy as well”.   I love that sentiment so much, but as someone who just barely manages to commit to a shower every day, resolutions admittedly help keep me on track.

Whatever is right for you, grief resolution or no grief resolution, we hope you find the list of ideas… helpful in thinking about how you will grieve in the new year.”

LETTING GO: What should medicine do when it can’t save your life?

“People have concerns besides simply prolonging their lives. Surveys of patients with terminal illness find that their top priorities include, in addition to avoiding suffering, being with family, having the touch of others, being mentally aware, and not becoming a burden to others. Our system of technological medical care has utterly failed to meet these needs, and the cost of this failure is measured in far more than dollars. The hard question we face, then, is not how we can afford this system’s expense. It is how we can build a health-care system that will actually help dying patients achieve what’s most important to them at the end of their lives.”

Looking Death in the Face

"We tend to defer the question of living or dying well until it’s too late to answer. This might be the scariest thing about death: coming to die only to discover, in Thoreau’s words, that we haven’t lived."

What people talk about before they die

“I visit people who are dying -- in their homes, in hospitals, in nursing homes. And if you were to ask me the same question -- What do people who are sick and dying talk about with the chaplain? -- I, without hesitation or uncertainty, would give you the same answer. Mostly, they talk about their families: about their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters.

They talk about the love they felt, and the love they gave. Often they talk about love they did not receive, or the love they did not know how to offer, the love they withheld, or maybe never felt for the ones they should have loved unconditionally.”

Why Talking About Death Is the Key to the Longevity Revolution

"Now, in the midst of a longevity revolution with a passion to create new rituals and connections that help a community to, yes, thrive, we are recognizing that dying is also a profound and shared human experience. Its time to talk about it."

Why Talking About Death Is the Key to the Longevity Revolution by Ellen Goodman

Grief: Special Days and Holidays. @VictoriaHospice

"After someone dies, you may find that your grief surfaces again and again. Often this seems to happen ‘out of the blue’ and it may feel like an unwelcome intrusion. You may have been enjoying yourself one moment and then be in tears the next. You may also notice that certain days, holidays or public events are more likely or return..."

~Grief: Special Days and Holidays

Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays @WhatsYourGrief

"Because the holidays are tough for all of us, the least we can do are share our tips and tricks with one another to make the season just a smidge more tolerable." ~What's Your Grief

What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone #Grief

"It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

Why is it so hard to talk about dying? @whenyoudieorg #hpm

"When heading into the unknown unprepared, we humans are rarely at our most confident. And when it comes to death, we have plenty of reason to feel anxious. It’s times like these that we need to hear from those who’ve gone before us. And that’s what our latest WYD In Focus provides: candid accounts from family members and caregivers who’ve been present at the deaths of loved ones—because understanding what happens at the bedside might surprise you."

Source: When You Die

Celebrating Connections: A Creative Legacy Project #hpm

Grateful for hosting and to all in attendance honouring connections.

Legacy Art Workshop Art Gallery of Burlington for the launch of the Compassionate City Charter - Burlington via @snapdBurlington

Children's Grief Awareness Day November 17, 2016 #CGADHOPE

"Children's Grief Awareness Day is designed to help us all become more aware of the needs of grieving children — and of the benefits they obtain through the support of others. Children's Grief Awareness Day is an opportunity to make sure that grieving children receive the support they need.”

Sign the e-petition to support Bill C-277. An Act providing for the development of a framework on palliative care in Canada

Petition to the Minister of Health

Whereas:

• the 2011 Report from the Parliamentary Committee on Palliative and Compassionate Care outlined the importance of quality palliative care, which must be available to all Canadians in order for there to be a real choice at end of life;
• upwards of 70% of Canadians do not have access to quality palliative care; and
• Canadians deserve to be treated with care and compassion during their last days to live as well as they can for as long they can.

Source: E-petitions. House of Commons

Less than 600 Canadians had signed this online petition as of October 1st. 

Please sign the online petition to the Minister of Health is open for signature until November 9, 2016.

Please advocate for a national strategy and universal access to Hospice Palliative Care. Show your support for Bill C-277 to improve access to care for all Canadians.

A framework designed to guarantee all Canadians access to high-quality palliative care

This enactment provides for the development and implementation of a framework designed to guarantee all Canadians access to high-quality palliative care. 

1. This Act may be cited as the Framework on Palliative Care in Canada Act.

Development and implementation

2. (1) The Minister of Health must, in consultation with the representatives of the provincial and territorial governments responsible for health, as well as with palliative care providers, develop and implement a framework designed to give Canadians access to palliative care — provided through hospitals, home care, long-term care facilities and residential hospices — that, among other things,

(a) defines what palliative care is;

(b) identifies the palliative care training and education needs of palliative health care providers; 

(c) identifies measures to support palliative caregivers;

(d) collects research and data on palliative care; 

(e) identifies measures to facilitate a consistent access to palliative care across Canada; and

(f) evaluates the advisability of amending the Canada Health Actto include palliative care services provided through home care, long term care facilities and residential hospices.

Source: Parliament of Canada

Celebrating Connections: A Creative Legacy Project. A Free Public Event. Oct. 6th 2016

I am hosting a free event dedicated to making Hugs. "The physical embrace of a Hug is comforting for anyone in a time of need. In this instance, it is a creative legacy project that can be completed by anyone, anywhere at any time and is then exchanged as a lasting memento". This is a family event and appropriate for children of all ages. Please join me.

For more information or to register please visit Eventbrite https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/celebrating-connections-a-creative-legacy-project-registration-27657060011